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Alice Johnson asked What do you think about my writing?
I am welve years old, and I have a small hope to become a famous author. I am working on my first book, and I would like some opinions on what I have. I would also welcome any possibilities on how I could send the kids on an adventure. The last thing I need is last names. One name for the kids, and one name for the Adults. Don't try to base it on the names, except that the last names sound well with the first names. (The first name of the dad is Charles, though it doesn't come up yet). Chapter 1- The Truth “Elsea, could I talk to you for a few minutes?” came a voice through the little speaker in wall. I pushed the answer button. “Sure, Mom. I’ll be down in a few seconds. I just need to finish my turn.” Trena, Calzo, and I were playing an innocent game of Monopoly in the theater. I’m the eldest of us three at fifteen. Calzone, at fourteen, hated his real name, so everybody just called him Calzo. Trena, the youngest, would be having her birthday on May 19, just three days away. When Elsea went into her mom’s office, she closed the door. Elsea took a seat in one of the cushioned chairs, but remembered that she wasn’t quite old enough to be trusted with the antique furniture, so she moved to a harder, newer chair. “Here, Elsea, have a sandwich triangle. Susie just brought them in; they’re your favorite kind.” Mother said it in an uncharacteristically sad way, which confused me. Mom was never sad. At the very least she was always content. And content was considered a very bad mood for Mom. As I started to eat the turkey sandwich, my dad came in. “Have you told her yet?” he asked Mother in his deep, rich voice of his that I have always admired. “No,” came the melancholy reply. “I haven’t.” This did nothing but bedazzle me even further. He went back behind Mom’s chair, clasped his hands behind his back, and started walking towards the window. “Els,” he started. I smiled. Dad never called me that unless he was feeling an extra amount of love towards me. “We have something to tell you. I don’t know if you have caught any of the clues, yet. But even if you haven’t, we’ve decided that you are ready for the information.” He then stopped walking. At this, I looked at Mom. She nodded softly. Now not only was I confused, but worried, too. “Mary, you tell her.” Dad sighed. “Oh, sweetie pie. Your father and I, well, we’re not your actual parents.” I froze. Chapter 2 – The Fatal Crash “Of course, we still love you and your siblings as much as if you really were our biological children.” “So, did you adopt us? Why can’t I remember our real parents? Shouldn’t I have been old enough?” I ranted. “Whoa, slow down, little one.” I heard the soothing voice of my dad. He was now sitting next to my mom. “We did not adopt you. Your parents made us your legal guardians in the hospital. You were old enough to remember your parents. The doctors think that the reason why you can’t remember them is because of the trauma that came with your parents’ death.” “How did they die? I mean, how old was I, where was I, why was it traumatic for me?” Suddenly, I remembered The Nightmares. All they were was a series of moments that made no sense. But they were all the same every time. And they still scared me. What happened in these dreams was the following. First, the loud noise of colliding metal. Babies crying. A flash of red light. A scream. Blackness. Then, light. The faces of my parents looking down on me. But, I never saw more than that, because I always woke up right there, crying, sweating, and hyperventilating. Even as I got older, I had them every night. When I was seven, I found out that Calzo had the same nightmares, just every other night rather than every night. Then, I remembered that I couldn’t remember anything before my fourth birthday. And it was still blurry. The first clear memory I have takes place about six months later, when we went on a boating trip. For several years, my family did nothing during the summer but travel. I visited Paris, Australia, Mexico, and Chile, all when I was five. “Wait, let me guess. Did they die in a car crash? And was I three?” I inquired. “We’re surprised you figured it out so soon. That is how they died. You were coming home from the hospital three days after Trena was born. So, you were three. Your mother died at impact, but your father survived long enough to make us your legal guardians. You were in a coma for three weeks, and the only thing you could remember was how to talk. You didn’t even know who you are.” That’s Dad for you. He knows you’re going to ask something, so he answers it before you can even ask. "You are also probably wondering how we knew your parents." I nodded. "Well, they were workers in the kitchen," he replied. "So, we were the first people the police called." Well, what do you think? Where do I need to improve? Ple
And got the following answer:
I'll give you a few pointers here. First is that you switch from first person to third person point of view. Don't do that. Choose one point of view and stick with it. Your punctuation, capitalization and spelling is very good. But I would make the chapters longer. Most chapters (in novels) are at least 5,000 words long, with the average being 10,000. Here are some tools to help you. http://writeordie.com/ http://editminion.com/ These are the two that I use on a daily basis. Watch out for passive phrases, those are the worst and people usually miss them.
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